for the glory of it all…

[May 9, 2008]

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror last night, pulling my hair, tight, away from my face. Imagining what it would be like, what this could look like. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the fear of man in me stirred up emotions that would be soon be quieted with the sweet release of freedom. I can’t even being to explain what it was that came over me as I grabbed the first handful of hair and clipped away. I felt as if I had just trampled something; killed. Putting to death that fear, I believe, was just the first in a long line of many fears I will need to conquer first-handedly with the strength and empowerment of Jesus in me. 

I continued to cut away at my hair, pieces falling to the bathroom floor all around me. 
Rise, Oh Lord, lift up your eyes, don’t forget I’m helpless.
Oh you, lead me to waters and pastures so green.
Oh I will not be in want, no I will not be in want.
You’re with me.
I will not fear.
You comfort me.
I will not fear.
Those words and acoustic guitar notes bounced around the walls of my bathroom, resonating in my heart.

I will not be in want.

With my hair getting shorter and shorter by the second, I was surprisingly so calm and at peace. It wasn’t until later that I allowed the fear to set in. 

My stomach was in knots all night. The adrenaline so high that I couldn’t fall asleep until three in the morning. I woke up startled at six o’ clock only to be shockingly reminded by the way my head felt against the pillow, and the knots in my stomach, that I’m still bald. 
Still bald.

What bothered me so much wasn’t really the fact that my hair is gone - it will grow back, just in time - but more of the fact that in three hours, I had to get up and waltz into work like nothing had changed, only to greet wide eyes and dropped jaws. I was so afraid of what people would think. How disgusted they would be when they saw me bald, they’d think I’m ugly; hideous.