for the glory of it all…

I walked into work last week with a baseball cap over my bald and pale head. The greatest thing I had to overcome was the fear of rejection; fear of man’s opinion, man’s acceptance. My stomach was twisted and tied in nauseating knots as I took a deep breath, as if somehow inhaling the courage I needed to get myself out of the car and face my fears. 

In my mind I could picture everyone thinking how awful I looked; how hideous. I wore my Starbucks baseball hat to cover what short little prickles of hair was left on my head. I honestly thought that people would be disgusted by how I looked, and therefore not want their drinks. 

I was so ashamed. 

Tears would well up in me as I searched for the words to answer the countless questions. It was so overwhelming to feel ugly, to try not to care, to absorb the shocked glances, to explain all the answers. The learning process became something that only I could understand in the moment. I’ve never felt more ugly, more ashamed, more embarrassed in my life. 

I’ve learned though, that you look at the world in such a different way when you feel ugly, ashamed, and embarrassed. I felt so fearful, so insecure, so unsure. Looking back, that first day was such a gift. I’ve learned more than I could even begin to write and articulate. The lessons very well may be left unsaid, but my heart and character have been molded into different shapes that, God willing, will last forever. 

The unsure, insecure feeling that seemed to swallow me that day really helped me to empathize with those who feel consumed by these emotions constantly. Girls who have no idea of what it feels like to be confident and sure. My eyes were opened as I understood what they must be going through, fighting on a regular basis. 

I noticed through the day that I had a harder time smiling as bright as I usually do, making eye contact, and striking up random conversations to entertain customers while I make their drinks. It was as if my confidence, my security, my extroverted personality had been stripped away with my hair. 

I felt so unsure. 

The reactions from people were much less horrific than I had imagined. In fact, I was shocked by how understanding and supportive my partners were. 

The acceptance from the people around me hadn’t changed. In fact, I think the respect and acceptance actually grew as people started to understand. But despite the understanding from those around me, I still felt so ugly. 

All of this time I felt as if my problem was my fear of man - people’s reactions, the lack of support and acceptance - but I soon realized that it was the fear of myself that was hindering me. It was God’s turn to show me what “beautiful” really meant, and how knowing that could change me from the inside out.