I used to write all of the time, expressing myself with the rare vulnerability of most writers today. And in those days the freeing vulnerable way that I used communicate came so easily.
But things got personal.
Weren’t they always personal? To this degree?
I just can’t bring myself to hang up this amount of hurt on the clothesline yet.
I say “yet” because even though I feel there’s no reason to, a part of me is hoping, wishing, waiting for that day when this is all over. And when that day comes I’ll muster up the words to rip open and expose my heart only then to praise and thank the One who always, always, always remains faithful.
In these days, I’m so thankful that God never changes. I’m so thankful that in my own little world, my little heart beaten with inconsistency, is bandaged up with the truth and reassurance that even when everything changes, He remains the same.
It’s only by God’s generous grace, that I’ve managed to experience real “bubbles” of joy in this time. Fortunately he has equipped me with the strength of joy and the endurance-inspiring hope. Equipping me with enough energy to bend down and pick up those seemingly perfect pieces, and muster up the power of love inside to simply forgive and begin the puzzle all over again.
But as my puzzle is continually destroyed, and the apologies result from the once again inconsistency, it makes it even more discouraging to do what I should do; pick up the pieces, love, and put the puzzle back together.
The pieces chip and break as they hit the floor with such a shocking intensity, and with more pieces to work with than ever before, confusion seems as if it might just consume you if you stop long enough to figure out where in the world to begin.
I’m thankful for the Puzzle Maker, who is the King of Restoration, and knows exactly where every piece belongs in it’s time.
I always complicate these things
Been living everything for me
But who can match your grace
Your mercy can fill the darkest place
Still your love goes on
Still you break me down
Still your love runs free
Still you wash over me
Over me
I know sometimes I lose my way
And then my heart gets so afraid
But I realize I must walk by faith and not by sight
Still your love goes…
You wash over me
All is new
Oh, your love goes on
It’s all that I can say
Oh, your love goes on
It reaches all of me
Oh, your love goes on
Into my deepest dreams
Oh, your love goes on
And on and on and on
Still your love goes on…
I had to let go of some things - most things - today.
Everything.
Realizing where I’m wasting my time.
Where I’m investing with no eternal return.
No return.
So many things have been clouding my brain. The chaotic electricity that spins around and around with no release.
But there’s no release because I don’t seek any.
I don’t seek release.
I know where it is to be found.
I just get so caught up in being whipped around and around - trying to keep up the pace.
I ignore what I need most in this race.
Can’t run - can’t live - with out water.
“The more I drink of your word, the more I thirst for you…”
I get so overwhelmed with all I have to do. My to-do list grows bigger and more detailed every day. And sometimes I just can’t keep up. Sometimes I just can’t focus enough to get what I need to get done, done. I get so distracted by every bit of, and can’t slow down enough to take it one step at a time.
I’m overwhelmed by distraction.
Paralyzed by the overwhelming pressure.
But today I looked for the release.
I waited for it to rescue me.
And in the release - in the rescue - I was given a plan.
“YOU WILL KEEP IN PERFECT PEACE ALL WHO TRUST IN YOU; WHOSE THOUGHTS ARE FIXED ON YOU.”
(isa. 26:3)
You can.
You will.
Renew me with your peace.
And then I started thinking about this:
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.
Which led me to seeing how the Bible defines each of those.
Love: “love God, love people”
Joy: “exuberance about life!”
Peace: “serenity”
Patience: “willingness to stick with things”
Kindness: “compassion in the heart”
Goodness: “conviction that basic holiness permeates things and people”
Faithfulness: “loyal commitments”
Gentleness: “not needing to force our way in life”
Self-Control: “about to marshal and direct our energies wisely”
And I’m sitting here going,
“I NEED ALL OF THESE”
I need Jesus.
“But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives like…[see above]“
A life opposite of this develops out of trying to get your own way all the time.
But if you’ve chosen the fruitful life - life in the Spirit:
“let us make sure not to just hold it as an idea in our head, or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in EVERY DETAIL of our lives.”
Go God’s way.
Trust in Him.
He leads you to PEACE.
And so I’m thinking about all that I’ve read, and how I can apply it. I’m flipping through the Bible still, fumbling around the pages and patterns of letters, and I see this:
“SO HERE’S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, GOD HELPING YOU: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping eating, going-to-work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.
Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.
Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead: FIX YOUR ATTENTION ON GOD - you will be changed from the inside out.
(”you will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you; whose thoughts are fixed on you“)
Readily recognize what he wants from you and quickly respond to it…God brings out the best in you!”
PEACE.
And every time I can feel it all closing in, I just keep thinking
“free your mind…and the peace of God will follow”
which might be the artsy-modern version of saying
“you will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you; whose thoughts are fixed on you”
TRUST.
FREE.
PEACE.
Do we really understand? Can we fully comprehend?
The power and truth held in these words can shake foundations; change hearts.
Go in hungry.
With ears to hear, with a heart to understand, approach it with expectation.
Expectation that YOU WILL FIND.
GOD IS A GOD THAT WANTS TO BE FOUND.
Seek and find, especially in these days.
God is waiting to reveal His secrets, to reveal His plans, to be found by us.
He’s waiting to be seen.
Are we really looking? Do we really have eyes to see?
I think so many of us have been caught in this lie, that we can’t hear God, that He’s so far away off in Heaven somewhere.
Good news is, we aren’t living in pre-pentecostal days. He has put His Spirit INSIDE of us. INSIDE! Close to our hearts.
HE IS NOT A FAR-OFF GOD.
He is NEAR.
So close, that we can hear the whisper, if we truly listen.
Who created this perception of our God? Far off, too far away to hear, to far away to help.
Lies.
Seek the Lord while you can, and know that He’s not far away.
He’s waiting to be heard, waiting to be found.
Open your ears to hear, open your heart to understand.
Listen to what the Spirit of the Lord is saying.
“If you look for me wholeheartedly you will find me! I WILL BE FOUND BY YOU!” says the Lord. [Jer. 29:13,14]
“ASK ME and I WILL TELL YOU - remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come” [Jer. 33:3]
Seek wholeheartedly and find.
God, give us ears to hear You. Give us hearts to understand You. Put that desire inside of us to worship You, to know You more.
LET us love You more…
My heart breaks under this weight of desire to KNOW the heart of the Lord.
Let it be.
